On Your Porch
by MelanieeeR
Summary: MerDer. Post 'Desire'. Meredith finally communicates and Derek finally listens. Basically my attempt to fix that mess that was Meredith and Derek at the end of 3x21.


**On Your Porch**

**Summary:** It was idiotic how I just stood at his fount door for what must have been twenty minutes in the rain. It wasn't until he finally got of his ass and opened the door that the metallic barrier between us was moved and I suddenly had no escape route. MerDer Oneshot following 'Desire'.

**Disclaimer:** If I owned Grey's Anatomy I wouldn't have put Meredith at the bottom of the ocean nor put a bomb in her hands, well actually I would but that's not the point. The point is that Patrick Dempsey has great hair and Shonda Rhimes stole the whole concept of Grey's Anatomy from me… not. Song lyrics are 'On You Porch' by The Format.

**AN: **I should be updating 'How to be Dead' and it's half done but after watching 'Desire' I really need to get this out of my system.

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"_I was on your porch, _

_The smoke sank into my skin,_

_So I came inside to be with you"_

"There are things that I've never told anyone and plan on never telling anyone" I told him quietly.

We had gone two days without talking, there were looks but they were nothing like the looks at the beginning of my internship. Instead of flirty and suggestive they were unsure and desire mixed together to form some thing that only college scientists would ever dream of creating.

It was like we were taking space again; here I was yet again, sitting on the sidelines waiting for him to make the first move. Stupid I know, Cristina called it a chess game but unlike Cristina I don't like my relationship being compared to a nerdy game so that whole conversation has been erased from my mind.

Oh course it had taken me hours to create the right speech, something that wouldn't be a pathetic as the 'pick me, choose me, love me' line but something that would be equally unforgettable.

The words finally formed themselves into smart short sentences and then it just took me twice as long to finally gather the courage to face him.

I felt like a child again as I walked to the front door of his trailer. Major flashbacks of a seven year old me crawling my way to my mother's bedroom door after one of her shouting matches to tell her sorry, flashed through my mind.

It was idiotic how I just stood at his front door for what must have been twenty minutes in the rain. It wasn't until he finally got of his ass and opened the door that the metallic barrier between us was moved and I suddenly had no escape route.

My perfectly aligned sentences frayed at the seams as I stood there, in the rain and just stared at him, looking like a lost puppy.

My guess is that it annoyed him more because he turned and walked back into the trailer without a single word or gesture of any kind.

It was easier talking to his back and as soon as the words left my lips he turned around and looked at me.

Too late now Meredith may as well continue, echoed through my mind and so I did what I was told.

"Things that are aren't nice, they aren't pretty and to be truthful I wouldn't take half of them away for anything".

His face showed no reaction of any sort but somehow the glint in his eyes was urging me on so I continued the volume of my voice and my confidence growing stronger as I went.

"Because the catalyst for half of them is my mother and even though I spent my years as a teenager hating her and my college years rejoicing the thought of never seeing her again, she is still my mother and that's all that should count".

I had his attention, I knew it.

"In this year alone I have put my mother in a nursing home, seen my father for the first time in twenty-five years, discovered that I'm not an only child, have had my mother retell illicit details of her affair with my boss with me, held a bomb in my hand, seen three guys blown into a thousand little pieces a mere five metres in front of me, made friends, fallen in love, had my heart broken and drowned. And I'm still standing here. I'm still me. That should be enough".

My voice was crisp and clear. The speech I had plan wasn't as brief and vague as that but it was what was in my head and as I watched Derek stand still and think, a small glimmer of hope started to burn inside my chest.

"It's not enough, you still didn't swim". His voice was hoarse, defeated and I knew it was my fault.

He turned away again. It was like word vomit as I all of a sudden couldn't stop myself.

"I did. At first when the guy knocked me in to the water. I did swim. Wave after wave dumped me back under but I still swam back to the surface, it was freezing cold but I still tried".

I was using a tone that I had last used on my mother and even him at the prom. It was full of desperation and pain and I hated myself even more for it. I was never this girl; I didn't want to be this girl.

"What changed then? You just got tired?" He was mocking me sarcastically as he spoke. Making it appear as though I had consciously made a decision.

"Oh course I was tired. I had been taking care of my mother for six years, to have it back fire in my face like I was a piece of garbage and then when I had finally gained enough courage to tell her what I really thought she lets go and again I'm the joke".

"So you let yourself drown because of your mummy issues. Grow up Meredith! In the scheme of things what your sick mother thinks doesn't matter".

"That's easy for you to say. You grew up with a mother who was proud at what ever you did. She never called you ordinary. She never made you feel worthless or told you that you'd never amount to anything" I screamed back at him, no longer cold from the rain as I stepped inside his trailer loudly.

"And for your information I was dead. I was 'I can see dead people' dead. And I fought. I made it back. And why?" I yelled walking closer to him and jabbing my finger into his chest.

"Because for once in my life I have something to fight for, Izzie had just lost Denny, George's dad was dead, Cristina watched her dad die, Alex's dad was also a drop kick and you…".

I lost the adrenaline and the words dissipated.

Derek cocked his eyebrow at me, waiting to hear my response but I couldn't deliver. What would I say? You still believe in true love and rainbows even though I don't really know why you shouldn't?

I closed my mouth, realising the words were not going to come and I was just looking like an idiot with a gapping mouth. I turned away from him, embarrassed as I took a step back and wiped a hand over my face,

"And me what?" he asked in a whisper, the bedroom light reflected in his eyes making the glistening would be tears brighter than normal.

"It doesn't matter, what matters is that I was dead and I fought and now I'm alive. That should be enough, please let it be enough"

"It isn't enough when half the time I don't know if you're up or down. I can't keep protecting you all the time".

"You don't have to protect me. I've done fine for the first 29 years of my life without you".

"Well drowning yourself in the bathtub isn't the best way of showing that" he exclaimed.

That hit a nerve. I didn't want him to baby me.

"That meant nothing. If it meant something I would have tied a brick to my foot and jumped into the harbour like every suicidal person in Seattle"

He drew back at the suicidal comment.

"Talking isn't in my system. I've been alone all my life and when something bad happens I repress it and deal with it by myself because that's the only way I've been able to deal with anything all my life"

"But your not alone now, don't you realise that" he told me with a crack in his voice.

"When you were down you had everyone working on you. If it was anyone else we would have given up long ago but hours after you were brought in you still have an IV drip in your arm and no heart beat. You have no idea what that's like. To watch the person you love die in fount of you".

His words lingered in the air and brought us into a lapse of silence that was so clear that you could hear the trickle of water from the river, fields away from us.

"Two months before my mother got diagnosed we had an argument, which wasn't rare because we always argued but this was big" I said with my face to the floor.

"I said things that I shouldn't have said and she said things that weren't nice either and well it ended with me packing me bags and booking the next flight out of the country. My plan was to never speak to her again and she was fine with that".

"Two months later I get a call from her doctor. I was standing on the steps of the Vatican when he told me that my mother had Alzheimer's. He told me to come home as soon as I could because it was up to me to take care of her. And I did for six years. Two years in between college and med school which were supposed to be for travelling was filled with doctor appointments and somehow I made it through medical school. Then I had to pack up us both and moved to Seattle for my internship. I didn't want to be a surgeon. My mother was sixty years old with no career left, no friends and a family who couldn't stand her. I didn't want to turn out like that and still don't. She wanted me to be a surgeon and that's why I'm here because of her... I've never told anyone this".

He smiled slightly and walked up to me.

"Now that…" he said, his body up against mine,

"…is communicating". Next thing I knew his arms were around me and Hot tears leaked down my cheeks and mixed with the rain droplets that were half dried;

I was crying.

'_And as our eyes start to close, _

_I turn to you and I let you know, _

_That I love you'_

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_**Wasn't sure how to end this one, it was a question of how far is too far and what's not enough and I'm not sure if I do like the ending but at least it's sweet.**_

**_If you liked this please have a look at my story 'How to be Dead'!_**

**_Review!_**


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